"We'll Never Be That Kind of Couple" is a true
testament for why people who are romantically involved should not live with
each other...when a couple fights over what to watch on television, I would
suggest the best communication improvement they could make would be to spend
less time together. Then again, I don't believe this particular fight between
Emma and Jason was about the actual program they were watching together, but
something more implicit, the violation of relational expectations.
Emma and Jason are increasingly fighting since they've moved in
together, and are more in fear of "becoming" the violent couple next door
as a result. The couple has a regular "TV night" on which they watch
Grey's Autonomy. Jason however chooses to watch a live sports game instead,
telling Emma she can catch the taping of the episode. On another evening, Jason
ditches date night with Emma in order to catch another sporting event.
Instances such as these lead Emma and Jason to feel hard emotions toward each
other, which leads to worse fighting.
Perhaps the easiest conflict resolution in this situation would
be for Jason to move out and find a woman who digs sports. But this is C&J 421,
where we look at things from a communication perspective, so let's do
that.
Currently, the violation of relational expectations, such as not
sticking with TV and date nights as planned has created anger and hurt within
Emma and Jason, which has lead to increased fighting, and ultimately guilt.
During each argument, Emma and Jason attempt to one-up each other, Jason
refusing to take Emma out as planned, and Emma reluctant to stick to Jason's
re-schedule. Because the two are engaging in competitive symmetry, they are
unable to coordinate in a way that would allow them to impress the healthiest
examples of The Serpentine Model. In other words, Emma and Jason are not taking
turns asserting and accepting each other, and therefore are misinterpreting each
other's actions, which leads each to "mis-act".
Because Emma and Jason have just moved in together, I believe it
is time to renegotiate the expectations of their relationship. The two of them
must sit down, and learn how to communicate using flexible complementary
control patterns. That is Emma and Jason must take turns "one upping and
downing" each other in order for them to reach an agreement. "I'd
like to watch Grey's Autonomy tonight, Jason." "Okay, let's do it,
baby." "Hey Emma-doll, I'd like to watch the game tonight."
"Okay Jason, let's do it baby!" If the communication flows, the
television programs are really one in the same.
In addition to viewing their relationship from a communication
perspective, Emma and Jason should simply put their situation in
perspective...if only so many people around the world were lucky enough to rent
an apartment in which they can sit down on a comfortable couch and fight.
Instead of taking their residential privileges for granted, it would be wise
for Emma and Jason to appreciate the fact that they have a climate they can make defensive.
Perhaps realizing what they do
have together would encourage Emma and Jason to work for what they don’t have
in a more patient manner, which means not getting defensive during times of
conflict. Again, by one-upping each other Emma and Jason both behave in a
defensive climate of superiority. Further, Jason is strategic in trying to hide
his one-up of abandoning a planned date-night with Emma by rescheduling for a
couple evenings later. Behavior such as this will doom their relationship.
Therefore Emma and Jason, when renegotiating their relational expectations,
should also explicitly voice the priorities each has that might affect these
expectations. That way, Emma and Jason won’t bullshit each other when
attempting to “get out” of a relationship situation in hopes of “getting in”
their individual priorities.
Finally, regarding the violent couple next door…while I wouldn’t
suggest calling the police immediately, Emma and Jason should take some kind of
action, whether it be knocking on their neighbor’s door with some apples (a
simple “Hey, we’re your new next door neighbors!” could potentially remind the
violent couple there are in fact people living next door, who can hear through
the walls), or informing the land lord about the situation. If the situation
persists, Emma and Jason might have to call abuse centers, and eventually the
police.
This
case appears to have intentionally coordinated the increasing violence
occurring next door with Emma and Jason’s. In other words the more violent the
neighbors become, the more violent Emma and Jason become. Therefore it is
important Emma and Jason rid their environment of violence, as having such a
close proximity to it has had a rather contagious effect.
Emma and Jason, I remain hopeful.
Sean,
ReplyDeleteI like your analysis, i like how you brought up the concepts of the serpentine method as well as the one-up method. Once i read this case i thought that the method they should have done is the one-up/one-across method. Which is what you were modeling when you gave the example of how they should have responded to each other. Nice job!
-Lauren Richards
Great Blog! They are always using the one up method. A part of me thinks that maybe they should not be together if they fight that often about little things but then again they are trying to work on it so I too have hope for them.
ReplyDelete- Jacqui Stump
Sean,
ReplyDeleteGood analysis, you added suggestions the couple could have taken to possibly alleviate their increasing competitive behaviors. As you said, the violent neighbors seem to have contagious effect on the couple, the more violent the neighbor, the extra effort by the couple to keep up with the neighbor. Each time, thinking they are not YET like the neighbors. Like Lauren said, embedding serpentine method concepts was excellent and likewise as Jacqui & you, we share all hope for the couple. -- Mary Fernando
I did this case as well and I did not think of including the serpentine method in it. I think that Lauren makes a good point with the one-accross addition to this case. I'm not sure if you eluded to them sub consciously wanting to to compete with the neighbors or if you were saying that it was contagious but I think that they just got caught up in their own things and it snowballed. The neighbors situation was just a way to make the story tie everything in well to me.
ReplyDeleteI think you made a great point on the aspect that when they fought over the television that it was really something deeper than just the fact that they were disagreeing on what to watch. I do agree with the idea that maybe Jason should move out, they might not have been ready for the step of moving in together and that could be the underlying problem of why they started arguing so much. You definitely hit some good points that I didn’t really think about when I did my analysis, good job!
ReplyDelete-Kim Van Der Geest