Case Integration: Communication Is Relationships

If I were to summarize what I’ve learned about communication in relationships using the least amount of words, the summary would be this: communication is relationships. In other words, any relationship is defined by its process of communication, meaning effective communication is the single most important “thing” to practice in any relationship. My case integration paper consists of two parts, the first being “Communication In Relationships, From A Specific Perspective” in which I detail a communicative episode that occurred during the first case analysis discussion thread, how I learned from it, and how the episode demonstrates my claim that communication is relationships. In the second part, “Communication In Relationships, From A General Perspective” I take what I learned from the episode, as well as several cases we analyzed, and explain how I plan to utilize it in order to create, and maintain the healthiest relationships.

Communication In Relationships, From A Specific Perspective

            Throughout the series of case analyses within this course I have learned new, healthier ways to approach communication in relationships, from both the cases themselves, and from my, as well as my peers’ responses to them. In doing so I realized not all of my communicative approaches are effective.

            When writing in the discussion thread for module two, I passionately favored Madeline’s choice to keep her maiden name when marrying her fiancé, Martín (“What’s In A Name? Negotiating Marital Name Changes”). Within this passion however exuded a bit of arrogance, and negligence for any peer who opposed my opinions. The tonality of my posts weren’t likable as a result. In several of them I attempted to use techniques similar to debate strategies, hoping to structure the posts in what I believed to be a more credible manner, ultimately desiring the agreement of more peers.

            After reviewing many posts (both mine and my peers’) from the module, and having an insightful conversation with Dr. Littlejohn regarding them, I realized two things: during the discussion thread my ego had taken control of me, and I have more improvements to make for my ability to communicate. I then decided to make a personal goal for this course: to do my best at constructively incorporating course concepts into patterns of my everyday communication, in the effort to refine my communication perspective in relationships.

            As the course continued, I acquired knowledge of several communication concepts, and understood that I applied some ineffectively while writing arrogant posts. For example, in vying for control of the discussion thread, I initiated every post I submitted with a “one up”. Specifically, instead of acknowledging everything that forms Martín’s identity (including a heritage of traditionalism) and why he’s upset (because his fiancé doesn’t want to adopt his last name), I dismissed it all, claiming that he simply needed to “get with the times”. Upon reading remarks such as this one, I cannot blame my peers (many of whom share Martín’s viewpoint) for responding with a “one up”, which inevitably fueled my ego to respond with another “one up”, creating a pattern of competitive symmetry within a course activity that is most useful when complementary.

This pattern came to define most of the interaction I had with my peers during this module discussion thread, and ultimately the relationships I had with these people. Although I had no substantial relationships with them prior to the course, I strongly believe my aggressive communication patterns came to define what was of the relationships I had with my peers up to that point. In other words, the hostile communication I approached potential relationships with defined these relationships, which reinforces the idea that communication is relationships.

Communication In Relationships, From A General Perspective

While it was never my intention to “be arrogant” toward anyone in the course beyond module two, I’ve since learned that arrogance, or an unwillingness to understand other people and their opinions should never be my intention period. And any disagreement with this statement stems from my ego, which I can control through effective use of communication. Because of my experience during module two, I’ve posited that communication is relationships, and therefore have concluded that a bitter relationship can very well be sweet, so long as the taste of the relationship’s communication changes. Communication in relationships cannot change however unless it is monitored by the participants of relationships.

Thus from here on out, in any relationship I have, when conflict arises I will first evaluate the communication occurring between myself and my relationship partner, and ask myself questions: “Is the conflict occurring because we are unclear on each other’s goals for the relationship?” “Is the conflict defensive…are we arguing, or are our egos arguing?” “How are we miscommunicating?” Likewise in times of celebration I will ask myself “What are we communicating that’s working?” “How can we continue to do this?” Whether I am asking my relationship partner questions or myself about our communication, I believe the frequency of metacommunication is most responsible for the success of a relationship.

As an interpersonal communication major it’s become a habit to ask myself questions like these about my relationships. However I understand most people are not communication majors, and therefore may not be asking themselves similar questions in the efforts to maintenance their relationships. But because I (we) naturally have relationships with non-communication majors, and because I believe the most effective way to maintenance a relationship is by understanding that communication is relationships, I feel a responsibility to create ways for how to more openly discuss the communication of my relationships, without coming off as an “arrogant communication major”. One way of tailoring arrogance would be to communicate by focusing first on the relational expectations my partner has, instead of my own…listening before speaking. By doing this I believe my approach to communication in relationships will be more about the other person, and thus more rewarding for me.

Finally, after module two and reading several of the cases in Casing Interpersonal Communication, I’ve relinquished myself of any desire to argue with other people. From now on I will disagree with others, but I will not argue with them. I didn’t decide this until reading about the direct fighting and defensive climate of Sarah and Russell from “Shallow Talk and Separate Spaces”, the rigid symmetry between Emma and Jason from “We’ll Never Be That Kind of Couple”, and the verbal aggressiveness and hostility between Mia and Layla in “The Queen and Her Bee”. I learned from each of these cases that we have the power to either engage in or refrain from arguing. I then realized I would not argue anymore because I do not have to. If ever in a situation when someone wants to argue, for the purposes of defending their ego, I will simply inform them I refuse to contribute in any such dispute, and walk away if they continue. Understanding it is up to me to argue with other people is perhaps the single most satisfying realization I made during this course. I look forward to better utilizing hundreds of hours throughout my life.

I have learned valuable ideas and information throughout the case analysis process of this course. In the most general terms, communication is the basis for everything, for how we send and receive information and emotions. And because we are sending and receiving to people with whom we have relationships, communication naturally becomes the relationship. I encourage you to evaluate both a rewarding and costly relationship in your life, by considering the communication patterns within each. Do the patterns compare, or contrast? Most likely if the relationship is unsatisfying, it is so because the communication is unsatisfying. From this course I have learned to make my relationships most satisfying by choosing to listen to others before speaking, acknowledging and respecting their opinions, even if I don’t understand them (which I will also attempt to do), and by approaching situations with the appropriate style of communication (if I’m playin’ basketball, its competitive symmetry, but if it’s a discussion thread, its all complementary). In doing all of this, I believe I am trying my best to be considerate of the fact that communication, is indeed relationships.

Enjoy your summer, and thank you for reading.