Uggh...newlyweds.

“The Embarrassment of Disclosing Private Information in Public: Newly Married Couples” explores Matt and Jennifer, a couple struggling with each other’s boundaries for privacy. Matt comes from a very open family, and therefore does not limit what he tells them. Jennifer however does not come from an open family; instead her parents discourage self-disclosure. As a newly married couple, this difference creates a rather significant relational turbulence one evening while the two are having dinner with Matt’s family: while sitting around the table Matt reveals two things that Jennifer does not want to discuss with her in-laws, calling Matt’s mom “Mom”, and the decision to not have a baby, yet. After Jennifer hears every member of Matt’s family attempt to persuade her to have kids earlier than she desires, she becomes upset and leaves the dinner table. The case ends with the notion that Matt understands the change Jennifer desires from him, but doesn’t understand why she desires it.

In this case, it appears as though Jennifer attempts to advise Matt by defining the act, episode, and lifescript that will form for their relationship if he doesn’t seriously consider listening to her. The act, or problem, is Matt’s willingness to freely discuss matters regarding their marriage, matters that Jennifer wants kept private. It appears as though Matt has disclosed such information before to his family, however never has the information been so sensitive to Jennifer. Sensitive or not, if Matt continues the act of trespassing the privacy boundaries Jennifer has set for their relationship, an episode of Jennifer running out of the kitchen every time the in-laws feed her will form, ultimately turning into a lifescript of poor family relations.

Before their relationship spirals downward however, there are steps both Matt and Jennifer can take toward solving their issue:

            First, it would be wise for Matt and Jennifer to account for each of their behaviors. In other words they should explain, not defend to each other why they each approach the dinner table situation differently. After reading the case, I’m still not convinced Matt understands the way in which Jennifer was raised, a feeling I didn’t get when considering Jennifer’s understanding of Matt’s family’s communicative behavior. When they do decide to account for their actions, Matt and Jennifer should select a comfortable, serious conversation-friendly environment. Often times, the effectiveness of a discussion similar to this one is much less if it takes place immediately after someone experiences a whirlwind of unwanted emotions, as Jennifer did during dinner.

            Second, only after Matt and Jennifer have clearly accounted their communicative behaviors to each other can they begin to reconstruct their mutual face. Whether Matt becomes more reserved, or Jennifer begins to reveal more, neither will make a 180. Therefore it is imperative Matt and Jennifer acknowledge that no matter how mutual their face, it will never be perfectly symmetrical. Instead evidence of both their individual faces will show. Once they accept this, they can embrace their differences as individuals, all while embracing the similarities they’ve mutually created, which leads to my third point.

            After reconstructing their mutual face, Matt and Jennifer must live up to their construction. This can only occur if they first co-orient, or feel the same way about what they’ve created together in their relationship. This step not only requires understanding however, but action. Matt must go beyond understanding Jennifer’s account, and show her that he understands. How? Next time Jennifer comes over to his family’s for dinner, instead of initiating conversations Jennifer absolutely does not want to have, Matt could simply let Jennifer initiate conversation with his family. After all one of the first things Matt says about his mother to Jennifer in the case is “You can say anything to her; she’s easy to talk to.” This may be true Matt, but Jennifer can’t say anything to your mom if you’re saying it all for her.

Also, the case notes “Jennifer wanted to get close to Matt’s mother, but Kelly expected her to act as if they had known each other all their lives”. If this is true, it could also be beneficial for Matt to sit down with his mother for a one-on-one discussion: “Hey mom, Jennifer feels like a few onion layers of the social penetration theory have been skipped…she’s still curious about the basics!”…of course, Matt can spare his mother the communication propaganda. If Matt’s family is as open as they claim, surely his mother will be open to this discussion.

            In this case, the main issue seems to be Matt’s lack of respect for Jennifer’s privacy boundaries. He seems to need more of a change than Jennifer. If he follows my free tutorial carefully, listed in the three steps above, he will be making some changes. And it is my hope that if Matt begins to respect Jennifer’s wishes for keeping certain matters regarding their relationship private, she will naturally begin to open up more than she has…maybe not to the point of openly discussing her decision to post pone having kids with her baby hungry in-laws, but certainly beyond the first few layers of the self-disclosure onion. If Jennifer doesn’t, well then, she’s got some changes to make too.

No Strings Attached: The Case of Lindsay and Jerod

"No Strings Attached" is a case I found especially applicable to our course, as I imagine some, if not many of us have experienced a similar situation, whether it is from the perspective of Lindsay and/or Jerod. 

Lindsay and Jerod are "friends with benefits". For a couple months they've made frequent arrangements to get drunk, have sex, and pass out. While this was initially okay with Lindsay she now desires more from the relationship. Jerod however has no intention of making Lindsay more than a fling. 

In terms of relational development, Lindsay and Jerod's relationship would likely be categorized in the initiation stage. Although they have certainly "experimented" with each other, the experimentation stage requires more than pouring shots and unrolling Jimmys. Aside from knowing they like getting drunk and having sex together, Lindsay and Jerod do not really know each other. This begins to bother Lindsay, whose emotion equipped sexual investment in Jerod has lead her to want more out of her relationship with him. At the least, she's out to bring certainty to her state of curiosity.  

Having not really heard from Jerod, Lindsay shows up unannounced to his frat house where she discovers him with another woman. Saddened, Lindsay rushes (no pun intended) from the fraternity and is faced with the dilemma for how to address Jerod regarding their relationship. Aware that she and Jerod haven't really formed an actual relationship (that she and him are still only in the stage of initiation), she wonders how she could even approach Jerod, stating that as a "friend with benefits" she really doesn't possess the right to question his motives for their arrangement. Through this internal conflict and increased levels of emotion Lindsay has advanced herself to the experimentation stage of relational development. That is she would like to talk with Jerod and get to know him in the effort to bring clarity to their relationship. While Lindsay seems interested in “intensifying” her relationship with Jerod, it is also apparent that above all she simply wants Jerod to be honest and straightforward with her about who they are in relation to each other. Nonetheless, because Jerod is still in the stage of initiation, Lindsay remains uncertain on how to initiate an “experimental” conversation.

For Lindsay, I think Jerod's non-verbal communication is telling, and by "non-verbal" I mean Jerod's actual silence, his inconsistency in calling Lindsay, or his not "filling her in" on how he feels about their "stringless" situation. In general, if a man feels for a woman, he will make it known to her, for men typically initiate. And while Jerod did initiate his arrangement with Lindsay, he only did it…initially. Since, he has made no real effort to show any commitment toward Lindsay beyond his commitment to her lower half. Not to mention Jenna, the woman who sat on Jerod's lap as Lindsay entered the frat house. By not telling Lindsay anything, Jerod has told her she is nothing more to him than a "fuck buddy", at least we would assume.

Of course, it is usually not easy for someone in Lindsay's position to simply say "Oh, I can just sense that's he's not really into me like that." And who knows? Jerod could have some unorthodox Greek life strategy of developing his intimate relationships. Regardless, it remains apparent that Lindsay needs some verbal answers. While she did question whether she has the right to discuss her feelings with someone she is only sleeping with, she failed to question whether she does not have the right to discuss her feelings with someone she is only sleeping with. After all, what Lindsay is feeling has unfurled as a result of this very "friendly, beneficial" arrangement she and Jerod established. Thus Lindsay should acknowledge that it is okay for her to address the issue. However if this hesitance continues to be an issue, she could simply wait until she hears from Jerod for their next hook-up, then meet up with him, and talk instead of fuck. That way the talk wouldn’t result from Lindsay’s efforts to get together, but Jerod’s, which could ease the approach for Lindsay as she discusses her feelings with him. Further, if Lindsay does wait until she hears from Jerod, she might be waiting a while, perhaps enough time for her to move forward from the situation…when Jerod does call, Lindsay won’t even care to have a talk anymore.

Lindsay can either interpret Jerod's non-verbals and then draw her own conclusions, or to be absolutely sure she can ask Jerod to draw his picture of their relationship, and hope his sketching skills are more than respectable. Finally Lindsay can simply wait to hear from Jerod, and then talk (or not talk) with him, depending on whether she has the desire to do so at that point.